Girl Code: A Lost Practice Amongst Women
It's heartbreaking to imagine a woman traveling with friends to Miami, only to return alone and a day early. Or, even worse, to face a tragic fate like Shanquella Robinson, who was beaten to death by her friends during a trip to Mexico in October 2022. What was meant to be a shared experience quickly spiraled into betrayal, isolation, and, in Robinson’s case, violence. The very people she thought she could trust turned against her, which is terrifying. The unspoken rules of Girl Code—loyalty, protection, and mutual care—are being increasingly broken or ignored.
Shanquella Robinson, Charlotte, NC
The Essence of Girl Code
Girl Code isn’t just about secret rules; it’s about safety and having each other’s back. In a world that’s never been entirely safe for women, this mutual understanding has always been about solidarity. Historically, older women took on leadership roles, protecting and mentoring younger women. This laid the foundation for movements like voting rights, abortion rights, and feminism (Morgan, 1970). These codes helped women survive and challenge systems that silenced them. “There is strength in numbers” was more than just a phrase—it was a lifeline.
In modern times, we’ve seen Girl Code portrayed in shows like Girlfriends, particularly in the relationship between Joan and Toni. Joan’s jealousy over Toni’s marriage stemmed from internal issues that eventually manifested in their friendship. They often exploited each other's flaws during disagreements and lacked dependability. This wasn’t just an issue between Joan and Toni but among the entire group. Gossiping—sometimes intentional, sometimes not—led to the eventual breakdown of Joan and Toni's friendship, even after attempts at therapy (which did not work out in the end). Watch video below:
We also see examples of Girl Code in the #MeToo movement, where women united to share stories of harassment and abuse. Abuse victims are often disbelieved, but the movement showed the strength of women coming together to support and trust one another. These unwritten rules aren’t just about avoiding harm; they’re about building each other up and preventing destructive behaviors like gossip, jealousy, and betrayal (United Nations, 2017).
The Growing Disconnect
We’re seeing a troubling trend of fake friends, but your closest companions should never become your enemies. Falling out with your friends shouldn't become a spectacle on TikTok, and returning home should never be a frequent or unsettling occurrence in any friendship group. What’s causing the disconnect when it comes to the practice of “Girl Code”? Why is there a noticeable lack of loyalty among us?
I’ve had disagreements with my best friend, but I’ve never felt compelled to air her business publicly. My mom always taught me the value of loyalty, reminding me, “If you go together, you leave together.” No one should feel uneasy about going out for brunch on a Sunday afternoon.
Friendships can falter due to poor communication or conflicting personalities. Sometimes people act differently in private than they do in public, leading to uncomfortable dynamics. I’ve seen how Girl Code gets twisted, and it’s not empowering. For instance, you might think you’re having fun at the club, only to find out later that your friend was talking behind your back, leaving you feeling uneasy or small. Trust your instincts, and be mindful of these red flags to protect yourself.
Guidelines of Girl Code
Girl Code consists of unspoken guidelines that many women live by in their friendships, including:
Keeping Secrets: Trust is fundamental in any relationship. Keeping secrets strengthens bonds and ensures your friend feels safe sharing their thoughts and feelings. Confidentiality prevents sensitive information from being misused and avoids unnecessary drama.
Supporting Each Other: Being present during tough times provides emotional stability and helps your friend feel secure. This support is vital, especially in unfamiliar situations.
Boosting Confidence: Positive reinforcement enhances self-esteem and morale. In challenging situations, it can help your friend feel more capable and confident, which is crucial for navigating uncertainties and overcoming obstacles.
Safety and Respect in Friendships
If something feels off while you’re out with friends, always have a backup plan. Prioritize your safety and treat others how you would want to be treated. Think about how you’d feel in their position and ask yourself, “Would I want this to happen to me?” Acting deceitfully or manipulatively toward one another is never acceptable.
Friendship is like a tree: when nurtured with positivity and stability, it grows into something beautiful and enduring. Girl Code is not just about friendship; it’s about creating a safe, supportive community where women can thrive together. The last thing anyone wants is to be betrayed by someone they consider a friend.
Standing together, protecting one another, and building lasting friendships are timeless commitments. The essence of Girl Code must be reclaimed—not as outdated rules, but as a powerful force for positive change in our communities and lives. Speak up, reach out, and support each other. Together, we can create a world where everyone is respected, supported, and celebrated.
References
Morgan, R. (1970). Sisterhood is powerful; an anthology of writings from the women’s liberation movement. Vintage Books.
United Nations. (2017). The #TimeIsNow for Solidarity and Sisterhood | United Nations. https://www.un.org/en/chronicle/article/timeisnow-solidarity-and-sisterhood#:~:text=Since%20October%202017%2C%20more,public%20spaces%20and%20at%20work.
