The Ties That Bind: Why Cousins Matter More Than We Realize

Growing up, I didn’t have to search far for my first best friend—she was already in my family. My cousin Erin and I were just two years apart, and in many ways, she felt more like a sister. We grew up together, shared secrets, laughed through childhood mischief, and had an unspoken understanding that no matter what, we were in each other’s corner. For so many of us, cousins are more than just relatives—they’re our first friends, our lifelong connections, and the people who know what it truly means to be part of our family.

Erin & I at my Dad’s Standing In Front of the Fireplace(1994)

But as I reflect, I realize that cousinhood isn’t what it used to be. Fewer children in families mean fewer cousins. Family reunions don’t happen as often. Life moves fast, and sometimes, cousin relationships fade with time. So, what does that mean for our sense of community and legacy?

Cousins: The Bridge Between Family and Friendship

Cousins sit in a unique space. They don’t carry the same weight of responsibility that siblings might, nor the authority of elders, but they provide a different kind of support. They offer emotional companionship without the daily pressures that come with immediate family.

Unlike friendships, which can come and go, cousinhood is permanent—they are the only friends we don’t get to choose. But because of that, they often become our anchors, helping us navigate family dynamics, childhood struggles, and the ever-changing seasons of life.

Yet, not everyone has close cousin relationships. Some people don’t have cousins at all. Others may have grown up distant from their extended family or lost those connections over time. This raises a deeper question—if cousinhood is fading, what happens to the culture and legacy that has long been passed down through those relationships?

Losing Cousin Bonds: What’s at Stake?

Cousins don’t just share DNA—they carry family history in ways we don’t always recognize. They hold pieces of our past, stories about our parents before we were born, and the unspoken traditions passed down from generation to generation.

When cousin relationships fade, so does an essential link to our lineage. Fewer cousins mean fewer opportunities to:
- Maintain family reunions and traditions
- Keep alive oral history and shared memories
- Provide younger generations with mentors and role models within the family
- Foster intergenerational connections that make family feel like more than just a last name

As Black families shrink and extended family structures shift, we have to be more intentional about preserving those relationships.

How Do Cousin Relationships Change Over Time?

My First Cousins, my Sister and I with our Grandmother. (Royal, 2004)

As kids, cousins are built-in playmates. But adulthood complicates things. Distance, career shifts, marriage, and personal responsibilities all affect the closeness of cousin bonds. Some relationships strengthen, while others fade into occasional holiday check-ins.

But maintaining these connections is possible if we put in the effort. Make time – Even if it’s just a quick text, a check-in call, or a once-a-year cousin trip, small efforts keep the connection alive. Be intentional – Life gets busy, but prioritizing cousin relationships means prioritizing family legacy. Pass the bond to the next generation – If we aren’t cultivating relationships with our cousins, how will our kids ever know theirs?

Even if childhood closeness drifts apart, cousinhood doesn’t have to be lost. It just evolves.

What If You Don’t Have Close Cousins?

For those who don’t have cousins or never had strong relationships with them, the idea of cousinhood still holds weight.

Black culture has long valued “chosen family”—friends who step in as the brothers, sisters, and cousins we may not have had. Many of us have that one best friend who’s “like family”—someone who grew up alongside us, knows our people, and feels like a blood relative even if they aren’t. This means cousinhood isn’t always about genetics—it’s about bonds. And that kind of connection can be built with anyone who understands you on that deep, familial level.

Why This Matters for Legacy

Cousinhood is more than just a childhood bond—it’s a pillar of family structure that helps keep culture, tradition, and history alive. If we lose cousin relationships, we lose more than just connections—we lose the stories, laughter, and legacies they carry.

So the real question is: How do we keep these relationships strong, even as life pulls us in different directions?

What’s Next? Let’s Talk About It!

📌 Drop a comment – Do you have a cousin who feels like your lifelong best friend? Share a favorite cousin memory below!
📌 Tag a cousin – Send this to a cousin you love and let them know you’re thinking about them.
📌 Watch the video – I first got inspired to write this after watching this thought-provoking video. Check it out.

Let’s talk about cousins, legacy, and keeping family bonds alive. Because in a world where family structures are changing, we have to be intentional about preserving what matters most.

#CousinLove #FamilyFirst #LegacyBuilding #BlackFamily #CousinBond